I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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