there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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