Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
