I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize