My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
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