If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
