for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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