Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
