WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
