Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
