Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
