i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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