So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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