Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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