i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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