i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
false alarm, still single
Randomize
