I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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