Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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