ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
