apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
