im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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