That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
it hurts more in the daytime
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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