I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
