the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
