omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
