Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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