i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
