thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
