Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
