I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You can't special order awesome
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
