genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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