planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
