come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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