I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
