12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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