Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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