I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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