So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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