"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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