Duck Duck Cougar?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
