I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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