I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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