god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
