You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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