If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
