Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize