Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
