fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
