I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
