I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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