You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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