Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
