watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
