That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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