Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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