Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I think my fart just growled at me.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
