a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
