Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
