Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
