if you like me you must not know who I am
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
