Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
