I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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