Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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